There are many indignities involved in getting older. In my opinion, undergoing a colonoscopy has to be one of the worst. I'm sorry, but I don't care if it's considered an important health screening test, my ass puckers up tight just thinking about it. Some portals are for exporting only, and that's one of them. Mine does not accept deliveries, strictly for outgoing purposes. I don't care if I have polyps the size of basketballs, nothing is going up my butt. Katie Couric can have umpteen videos of her colonoscopies, I will never have a camera connected to 40 feet of tubing shoved up my ass. Subject closed.
Real Old Man, on the other hand, actually listens to his doctor and complies with his recommendations. During his recent checkup, his doctor urged him to have his first colonoscopy and then made the appointment for him. When ROM told me had scheduled that day off work, I suggested he take the day before off, too. He was under the impression he'd just show up that day, they'd give him some good drugs and he'd see a cool video of his colon.
I was truly sorry to have to tell him about the horrible prep stories I'd heard. Okay, so I wasn't all that sorry and at times was laughing so hard I had to stop to catch my breath. Poor naive man was quite alarmed when I told him he'd spend most the day prior to the procedure on the toilet and he'd only be able to have clear liquids for 24 hours. I don't think this man has ever taken a laxative or gone 24 hrs. without eating. A whole new experience for him. He thought I was exaggerating until he got the information packet from the doctor's office.
Being the helpful spouse I am, I read the instructions out loud to him. First was the list of laxatives to be mixed with a gallon of Gatorade, tea, or water (but nothing red or purple) and instructions for when and at what intervals they were to be taken. The overdose of laxatives starts at 1:00 p.m. and at 5:00 p.m. it's suggested you apply Vaseline to your rectum and use baby wipes. This one had me doubled over in laughter and poor ROM just stared at me in horror.
Then we moved on to the article about what to expect on the day of the procedure. When I got to the part about them inflating the colon I was laughing so hard I had to leave the room to compose myself. I had never heard of the colon inflating part before. The article went on to say this will cause one to have gas later. I guess that's why it warns not to stop to eat on the way home, but to go directly home and eat light foods. I know I sure don't want to be in a public restaurant with a gassy man who may erupt in explosive diarrhea when food hits his empty stomach, just in case any of that overdose of laxatives is still in his system.
After sharing all this helpful information (and enjoying every minute of it) ROM made the list of laxatives he needed to buy, and off he went to gather his supplies. And he came home with these items...
Me: You can't mix that stuff with beer!
ROM: Why not? It's a clear liquid, and isn't red or purple.
Me: So you're going to drink a gallon of laxative spiked beer - eight ounces every fifteen minutes on an empty stomach?
ROM: Sure, might as well drink something I enjoy.
Me: If you think I'm going to deal with a drunk who's overdosed on laxatives, you're out of your ever lovin' freakin' mind! Go get some Gatorade.
ROM: How about half a gallon of beer and half a gallon of Gatorade?
Me: You can wait and have your beer after the procedure, get just as drunk and gassy as you want. Isabella and I will stay in the computer room, and you can gas up the living room and drink beer to your heart's content. But there will be no mixture of beer and laxatives.
He came back with Gatorade....
Since I have to accompany him to his colonoscopy, I thought it would be fun to try out my new Flip HD video camera and film the procedure. ROM has flat out refused and said he'll tell the nurses and doctor to search my bag for cameras before allowing me in the room. I assured him I wouldn't show his face. When he reminded me that Katie had already done the colonoscopy filming, I pointed out that mine would be a different perspective- mine would be funny. This could start a while new career for me- comedy documentaries. I've already thought of some hilarious lines to narrate the inflation part.
ROM responded: If you want a new career be a greeter at Walmart because there is no way in hell I'll allow you to video tape my colonoscopy.
Me: You're no Joe Gorga- he's so supportive of his wife and her new singing career. Why can't you give me some support for my new docu/comedy career? Where's the love?
ROM: So start singing, I'll fully support a singing career. My colonoscopy has nothing to do with how much I love you, and you aren't going to film my colonoscopy while you crack jokes.
I've been sharing all my random thoughts about ROM's upcoming procedure with him. Such as... what if they over inflate him? Will he float? What if they inflated him with helium? Would his gas come out in a funny high pitched cartoon tone?
Anyway... I'm taking ROM out to breakfast in the morning, then he'll start his fast and "cleansing". Let the fun begin...