In 2002 we ran away from Illinois where we were born and raised, and started a new life in SW Florida. This blog is about me (an eccentric old artist), ROM (my Real Old Man), Isabella (our neurotic Standard Poodle) and Emmy (our crazy snake killing Jack Russell Terrier). Oh- and the neighborhood old people. Life is good in Florida!

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Gawd Damn Chinese!

Retailers have decided to skip Thanksgiving and launch right into the Christmas season. We were at CVS last weekend and they have all their Christmas shit out. Have you noticed that drug stores always have these animated singing Christmas themed characters. Years ago when ROM's parents were alive, their house was filled with these singing and dancing Christmas figures. No one loved Christmas more than my in-laws, no one! Every inch of the house was always decorated for the holidays, right down to the toilet paper. My father-in-law even wore Christmas socks and ties. I mean they seriously loved the holidays. We used to laugh and shake our heads as we'd leave their house after seeing their latest singing holiday decorations they had added to their collection. It was sweet but also very hokey and we both swore we would never have such silly junk in our house.  Well, this was yet another example of why one should never say never...

During another visit to a drug store (I think it was Walgreen's) when Isabella was a puppy we saw a Santa with a dog that played and danced to Dueling Banjos. Of course we had to get it for Bella. She thought it was amazing and would sit watching them perform with her head cocked and tail wagging. By the time the next holiday season came around we had added Emmy to our family. The first time she saw the dueling banjo Santa and pup she went ape shit! Every time we activated them she would go into a barking frenzy and try her damnedest to leap up on the table to grab them, occasionally succeeding.  It was a hoot how worked up she would get. So of course we had to keep adding to what has now become our very own collection of singing dancing characters, just like my in-laws'. Yes, we have become ROM's parents... lord help us. But I draw the line at Christmas toilet paper. Anyway, every year I drag them out and at least once a day activate them all at once and watch Emmy go nuts. So what does this have to do with the gawd damn Chinese? Hold on, I'm getting to that...

During our visit to CVS last weekend I spotted a Latino Santa that plays the guitar and sings Feliz Navidad. We have friends who are Latino that we play cards with every weekend and they've been trying to teach me Spanish words. I thought they'd get a kick out of a Latino Spanish singing Santa. And of course to drive Emmy nuts...

Once I got the Latino Santa home and of the box, I was looking him over and told ROM he didn't look very Latino to me- he was an odd yellowish color.  And then it hit me- he looked Chinese. And when he sings, I swear it sounds like Spanish with a Chinese accent, though ROM says I'm nuts and he doesn't sound Chinese at all.  He also pointed out that the Chinese don't have blue eyes like our singing and guitar playing Santa. Wait a minute... Latinos don't have blue eyes either, right? WTF is the deal with this Santa?




I put on my reading glasses and turned him upside down- sure enough! Made In China! The gawd damn Chinese tried to disguise this obviously Chinese Santa as a Latino Feliz Navidad singing Santa with a frigging Chinese accent. And they don't even know what color eyes Latinos have! The godless bastards. I try my damnedest to not buy anything from China after they tried to poison our pets. And now I have a phony Latino Santa sitting in my house that's probably leaking Chinese arsenic and lead into the air. The dirty rotten bastards.


ROM still thinks I'm nuts, but I'll let my Latino card playing friends weigh in on this Santa's ethnicity mystery next time they come over and I'll report back to y'all...

26 comments:

  1. OMG!!!!!! LOL!!!! That is so freaking funny. I may have to look for Mr. Miagie'berto when Im out to drug stores. Love this.
    Jana - hipiegrl

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  2. Jana- Beware of Chinese Santas disguised as Latinos!

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  3. This is hysterical! I have a similar story but not in the name of the blessed holidays with our lord Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

    I had a long time pogo playing buddy and she saw something either in her local gas station and could not of been a drug store..

    Anyway.. it was a small gun lighter with a wide barrell. Once you pulled the trigger.. A penis would thrust out of the barrell, ignite with a flame and then the best! The gun would say.. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!

    It was the best toy/gun/lighter/hot bob I have ever seen! This is the sort of gun control I approve of!

    Anyhow.. What does this have to do with the Chinese? Well let me tell you how. I dropped the damn gun since my hands went all shaky on me when one of my Grand kids found it and I tried to retrieve it before they pulled the trigger. I refuse to be responsible for learnin them kids things that will get them in the principal office and hearing.. I LEARNED IT FROM GRANDMA!! I LEARNED IT FROM HER!!!

    later I tried to make sure it still worked. When I pulled the blessed trigger, It said FUCK YOU in freaking CHINESE! LMAOOOO I dont know how I can be sure since I don't know the language but it certainly was a dialect of Chinese and not sure which one but I understood the inflection.

    Yep.. I looked closely and it was made in China and have now learned that all languages can use all the best bad language in any language. LMAOOO

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    1. OMG! Best story ever! You must make a video of this lighter peen saying Fuck You in Chinese! You must! Send it to me and I'll post it here.

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    2. ROH.. your post totally brought back the memories! I nearly died when the gun went from speaking English to Chinese and now that I think about it.. the English version of "Fuck You" was so fast that I really thought there was a Chinese accent. LOL This is too much..

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    3. I have one question- did the peen look Chinese?

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    4. NO! Totally looked Irish with all the veins not colored in blue thou.. STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!

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    5. Hell yes! I think.. or at LEAST fully erect and stretched. I SAID DONT ASK ME NO MORE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    6. YOUR KILLING ME! Actually the peen was never flacid and always ready to do bidness.. I felt a connection with the hot poker and.. and..

      STOP ASKING ME DAMN QUESTIONS!! I have repeatedly ASKED!

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    7. OH! yes I did.. Not only did I name it "Brain" with a penchant for lighting my fire. I would pet it and dress it. You have no idea the tailored clothes you can find and not only is the dressing fun.. but the UNDRESSING! WEEEEEE!!!!!

      I now COMMAND YOU too stop provoking me. You are going to hear from my sex addict shrink first thing in the morning!!!

      This is my last warning before you are receiving your deceased and resist order!

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    8. Does Brain have a favorite outfit and color of clothes?

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  4. P.S. The lighter is either completely busted or the battery died from self entertainment or lighting stuff. lol

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  5. OMG I just woke my BF at 5am laughing so loud. Now I have to explain peen to him.

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    1. LOL! I'm sure he didn't mind waking up to talk about peen. That's most men's favorite topic-LOL

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  6. You are both insane and SO entertaining! LOL!

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    1. Its my job to share and entertain Bobs! ;-)

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  7. ROTFLMAOOOOOO!! This post & comments are killing me! ROTFLMAOOOOOO

    Ok, so I have to share.

    Don't know where my parents got this, maybe in NYC. Anyway, my folks had bought a toy gun that they got a kick out of many years ago. It looked like a regular gun in it's holster til it was actually pulled out. It was huge too, could pass for a dildo (but very hard, made of wood). LOL. They kept it in the living room for years. I wonder if they still have it. I'll have to search for it next time I visit & take a pic.

    One time, they were coming back from Colombia & going thru Customs. My aunt was with them and had it in her carry-on bag. The Customs agent pulls the gun out of the bag and looks at my mom and aunt who start laughing uncontrollably. My mom and my aunt were so embarrassed. So my mom makes a motion for the agent to pull the gun out of the holster ... the agent does and everyone in line bursts out laughing. They still get red & laugh so hard when they recall this experience.

    :-D





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    1. LMFAOOO BEA!! What a great story! I have a great visual of your mother and aunts blushing faces of retrieving that thing from the holster.. LOL

      Its the gift that keeps on giving.. ;-)

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    2. hehehehe, my mom and my aunt are too funny. they wanted to die after that!

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    3. ROFLMA! Bea, your mom sure gets herself involved in some crazy stuff. First dancing at the whore house and now a peen gun.

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    4. LOL!! That was my Aunt, ROH!! hmmmm... I do take after her!! lmaooooo

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  8. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. Ok.. hope this pic loads..

    Ok.. It didnt.. here is a visual.. the pink is quite faded but the veins are not!

    http://s1342.photobucket.com/albums/o774/ImaJustSaying/?action=view&current=Peenlightergun.png

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