I'm not watching these afternoon doctor shows anymore. As if we older women don't have enough things to feel bad about, Dr. Oz made a point of telling us today that even our vocal cords get old and flabby. I just completed yet another trip around the sun and have all kinds of body parts to worry about. Like exactly how low can a human ass and tatas sag? Is there a category for such things in Guinness World Records? And speaking of ass, the damn arthritis is making it harder and harder to reach around to wipe my own ass. My eyes are getting so bad I have to wear my reading glasses and use a magnifying mirror to pluck my chin hair. Even then I've been known to vigorously attack a chin hair only to discover I've actually been trying to rip a wrinkle out, not realizing it until after I've drawn blood. It gets worse- there comes the time when you realize that marathon Kegel sessions won't prevent you from dribbling in your panties when you laugh too hard. Kind of takes the fun out of laughing, dontcha' know? I’m probably only one plate of fettuccine alfredo away from my first heart attack and just a few years away from wearing a tag with my name, address and phone number pinned to my mumu. And Dr. Oz needs to tell me my vocal cords are getting old? Screw you, Dr. Oz.