ROM always brings the mail in when he comes home from work, and for weeks we've had the same exchange when he walks in the door. I ask "Did it come?" and he answers "No, and you are not turning yourself in!".
It all started about a month ago... We went to a party and after we got there I realized I had forgotten something. So I hopped in the car and drove back home to get the missing package. I'm a very careful driver, have only had one ticket in my entire life and that was the day before ROM and I got married. I was on my way home from work thinking of all the things I had to get done before our wedding the next day and I got nailed for going 10 miles over the speed limit. Since I haven't gotten a ticket in almost 30 years I've felt it's just and right that I always point ROM's driving errors out to him- just being helpful so he can become a better driver, dontcha' know? He doesn't always appreciate my helpfulness but I don't let that stop me. I just ignore his moodiness, smile and remind him it's just my helpful nature. One of the things I frequently point out to him is when he enters an intersection after the light has turned yellow.
So imagine my surprise when I realized I had run a red light on my way home to pick up the package I had left behind. My first thought was "Oh shit!" as I looked in the rear view mirror to see if a cop was in hot pursuit of my flagrant driving violation. And my next thought was thank gawd ROM wasn't in the car or I would have lost all future rights to critique his driving. As I drove back to the party, I was very careful and paid close attention to the traffic signals. Later that evening as we were going home I noticed he entered an intersection on a yellow light and as I started to point it out to him I burst into my nervous guilty laugh he knows so well. So he badgered me to tell him what was so funny and finally out of guilt I told him about running the red light. Later that night he asked me which red light I ran and when I told him he said he thought there was a camera at that intersection. Damn Big Brother and their frigging cameras! ROM drove back to the intersection the next day to check and sure enough it had a camera. And that's when my paranoia started....
Two weeks went by and no ticket arrived in the mail. Instead of feeling relieved I got more worked up about it. I just wanted the damn thing to arrive and get it over with once and for all. Last weekend as we were coming home from the beach I told ROM that I had decided I was tired of waiting to see if and when the ticket would arrive and was going to turn myself in. He looked at me like I was out of my mind and had said I was going to go live on Kelly's unicorn ranch and grow organic Gummy Bears. (If you didn't watch past seasons of RHONY the last sentence will make no sense to you whatsoever) We discussed the pros and cons of turning myself in but he didn't see any validity in my pro arguments and kept insisting that no one ever turns themselves in for a traffic violation. He said they would put me on the crazy list with the nuts who try to confess to murders they didn't do.
This Saturday will be four weeks from the day I committed this crime that is weighing so heavily on me. (I blame my guilt issues on the fact I was raised Catholic) As ROM walked in with the mail this evening I asked him if my ticket arrived. He assured me it hadn't and once again told me to quit worrying about it. Like I'm going to quit worrying about it- is he nuts? Every time I step out the door I'm sure that a S.W.A.T. unit is going to appear and take me down. And now you know why I have never murdered anyone... between my paranoia over the government spying on us and my overdeveloped sense of guilt I'd never be able to pull it off.
Maybe once this damn ticket arrives I can sleep without a worry like Isabella does after our daily evening storms wind down...
I swear on my life- the police just came by this very moment on patrol and I jumped a foot when the search light went across my windows. Even though I know they have been patrolling frequently lately due to all the break ins, my eye just developed a nervous twitch. I am so not cut out for a life of crime... I did it, I did it, I did it... sweet jezzuz, have mercy on my soul.