In 2002 we ran away from Illinois where we were born and raised, and started a new life in SW Florida. This blog is about me (an eccentric old artist), ROM (my Real Old Man), Isabella (our neurotic Standard Poodle) and Emmy (our crazy snake killing Jack Russell Terrier). Oh- and the neighborhood old people. Life is good in Florida!

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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

If Only...

I thought this past weekend would never end. I was repeatedly reminded that it was Mother's Day weekend- commercials on TV, email ads, fliers in my snail mailbox and the numerous floral vans making deliveries in the neighborhood. I stayed away from Twitter to avoid seeing "Happy Mothers Day" tweets. Twitter isn't a good place to be when you're feeling raw and emotional.  Trust me, when your child has recently died the last thing you want to hear is Happy Mother's Day. There's not a damn thing happy about it. I just wanted to dig a hole, climb in it and die. (No, I'm not suicidal. I would never do that to my husband. It's just a feeling but I would never act on it.)

It's horrid enough to lose a child in an accident or to an illness, it's even more complicated if your child died due to his own preventable actions. Not only is there grief, but also an abundance of guilt, regrets, and anger. If only he had gotten off of drugs, if only he had stayed on a treatment plan for his mental illness and addictions, if only he hadn't hooked up with other drug users, if only I had been a better mother, if only his father hadn't abandoned him at the age of 3, if only I hadn't sent him away the last time he was here- all those if onlys played over and over again in my mind all weekend. Yes, I know it's futile to indulge in if onlys but sometimes you just can't stop your brain from wallowing in thoughts and memories. 

I can't go back and undo anything, there are no do overs when it comes to parenting. All I can do now is try to keep my demons at bay and not wallow in my grief and regrets. So I need to spend my time doing things that bring me peace of mind- like playing in my studio, observing nature and being grateful for my husband who loves me no matter what. I have so much to be grateful for, even when my sadness prevents me from seeing it. I need to learn to enjoy and love what I have in my life, instead of drowning in grief for what I no longer have. 

I spent some time last night watching the moon. A strong breeze made the palm trees sing as the moon peeked in and out from behind their fronds. If you've never listened to a tree sing as a breeze blows through the leaves, you must. Each tree has its own melody, and our Florida palm trees sing a much different tune than the oak and hickory trees that surrounded our home when we lived in IL. 

I'll close this post with some photos I took of the moon last night...








20 comments:

  1. You were on my mind all weekend, ROH. Sending you very tight hugs.

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  2. I'm so so so so sorry your carrying such a painful burden. I hope you have other children that can be a comfort to you. It never occurred to me to listen to trees sing but I sure will be listening for it now. What a wonderful concept.
    Your new fan,
    Liz

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    1. Thank you, Liz. I promise there will be cheerier posts in the future.

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  3. It has been a long weekend as my daughter is still in rehab and for the first time not being able to talk hold and see her is heartbreaking but I know I will see her soon. The pain you are going through is unbearable and unimaginable. You know I'm thinking of you with a heavy heart....❤
    Ps.. The Breeze rustling through the palm trees has always been one of my favorite sounds

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    1. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that your daughter embraces recovery and begins a new life drug/alcohol free. People do recover and I'm hoping she's one of the winners. May the trees sing nothing but happy songs for you and your family. xoxo

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    2. My dear friend..my daughter got out of rehab and again was doing so well, with a heavy heart I have to to tell you she is back in jail but thank you lord she is still with us. It is all so heartbreaking but as always the hope is there. When she gets out we have to fight the courts to let her move up here with me (father and I divorced) I feel she will have a better chance living with me since her dad is an alcoholic. Ugh!! Everything is so messed up. Brilliant man but alcohol got the best of him. Laws are not in our favor but whatever it takes she needs to be with me so I will have a bit of a peace of mind knowing I did everything I could in case something awful just awful will happen. Again, I keep up on how you are doing and it pains me.. I dont want it ...had a few drinks and then I tend to reveal too much but then again who better then with a mother who has been there and done it all!, love you and think of you with a very heavy heart so often.....

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    3. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how your daughter is doing. So sorry to hear she is still struggling. It's exhausting, isn't it? You may be right and she would do better living with you- away from all her old using friends and a fresh start. She certainly doesn't need to be living with her father if he has his own ongoing substance abuse issues. Don't give up hope- she's young and still alive! Miracles do happen. For every addict that dies, there are other addicts that embrace recovery and thrive. Let's just keep hoping she will be one who chooses recovery. Big hugs to you!

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  4. I knew this would be a hard weekend for you. I'm glad to see you writing and getting your feelings out. I think every mother has regrets and would have done things different as we look back but we all do the best we can at the time with what we have. You might have made mistakes but we all do. That's just the way life is. I don't believe for minute you ever acted out of cruelty or with the intent of hurting your kid. From knowing you on twitter and your blog for several years I know you're a kind person so please don't be so hard on yourself. Your son was an adult and was responsible for his own actions and choices like we all are. You will get through this, Roh, I just know you will. You get your cute little ass out to the beach and have some ocean therapy. I'll be looking forward to seeing some beachy photos.

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    1. Thank you for caring and leaving such a kind comment. My ass isn't very cute or little right now but we are planning on going to the beach this weekend ;)

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  5. Oh!! I forgot to mention about the singing trees!! Anytime there's a strong wind, you can hear the palm trees at my parents' place. I couldn't figure out what it was the 1st time I heard them a few weeks ago,

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    1. Isn't it a wonderful sound, Bea? Some days it's just gentle whispers but during troical storms it sounds like angry head bangin' music.

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  6. Dear sweet ROH, I can't even imagine how you must feel. Trust me there's nothing more you could have done. It seems to be a mother's lot in life to unfairly shoulder all the( mostly self inflicted) guilt. My heart aches for you and goes out to you. Wish I could hug you and ease your pain in some way. Please try to be kind to yourself. Love and hugs,
    Cherie/Missexistential

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    1. Thank you, Cherie, for your sweet comment. I can feel your hug ♥ Yes, guilt feelings seems to go hand in hand with motherhood,

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  7. I don't think there is any worse pain for a mother than to lose a child. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm ashamed that I was mean to you on twatter. I'm so ashamed I'm not signing my name but you probably know who I am. I have no excuse for the way I treated you. You're a sweet lady and do not deserve this grief you're suffering now or the nastiness I subjected you to. I wish nothing but the best for you, ROH.

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    1. I don't now who you are, but thank you. Please don't worry about past Twitter nonsense. Whatever might have happened between us, it was in the past.

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  8. Hugs to you my seashell buddy. ASIANPOSH Xo

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  9. Yeah, that had to have been a very challenging weekend. Hugs and more hugs to you my friend.

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  10. Hello Sweet Lady, I'm So Sorry For Your Loss. Losing A Child Is One Of The Most Painful Trials To Go Through.
    Love AndPlenty Of Hugs
    Tiredofthis

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  11. I Have No Idea Why My Phone Capitalizes Every Word.
    Tiredofthis

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