In 2002 we ran away from Illinois where we were born and raised, and started a new life in SW Florida. This blog is about me (an eccentric old artist), ROM (my Real Old Man), Isabella (our neurotic Standard Poodle) and Emmy (our crazy snake killing Jack Russell Terrier). Oh- and the neighborhood old people. Life is good in Florida!


Thursday, February 19, 2015

50 Shades of Emmy... 50 Shades of Grey Pales In Comparison

50 Shades of Grey plays out in our home on a regular basis. No, it doesn't involve ROM and me- the kinkiest we get is having sex with the lights on. We get our pain from arthritis and believe me, there's nothing sexy about it. And piddling in my panties when I laugh or cough is all the humiliation I can handle. The aging process is S & M  for us seniors. 

Don't let this sweet face fool you... 

The freak in our house is our Jack Russell Terrier, Emmy. Even as a puppy she was dominate- taking toys from Isabella who is much larger and older than her, rushing to be the first out the door, charging to the edge of the yard if another dog dared to walk by her house, lifting her leg to pee and then kicking and scratching the the dirt to mark her spot and just generally being a pain in the ass. With lots of training and positive reinforcement she eventually recognized ROM and I were in charge and she begrudgingly accepted we are the boss (and that we control the treats she so loves). 

Though she had been spayed as a young puppy, we began to notice her sexual propensity after she turned a year old. The first hint was when she'd be laying on our lap and would suddenly stand up and begin humping. We'd tell her a stern "no" and push her off our lap. She quickly realized we wouldn't put up with her kinkiness so she found other outlets.     
Isabella is always a lady and doesn't even like her butt sniffed which means she wasn't going to be a willing participant in Emmy's debauchery. Lacking a willing partner to fill her dark sexual desires, she found ways to self satisfy- often at the oddest times. She'd be casually walking across the room when she'd suddenly stop and furiously begin humping the air. After a few hard thrusts, she'd resume her walk across the room as if nothing at all had just happened. 
For awhile that seemed to satisfy her inner freak.  

The full extent of her perversions wasn't obvious until she was about 5 years old. It started innocently enough... she loves toys so we bought her a big stuffed lamb for Easter. We had no idea that this innocent toy would take her to depths of depravity that we could never have imagined. 

To our shock and horror, within hours of receiving her gift she brazenly demonstrated her darkest desires. She grabbed the poor little lamb in her teeth and viciously growled as she cruelly shook it. Then she threw it to the floor and as she bit it repeatedly all over. Suddenly her demeanor changed as she gently licked and nuzzled it. But then, like flipping a switch, she was again growling and shaking the poor lamb in her jaws with a death grip. Quickly the foreplay ended, she mounted the lamb and gave it several intense humps followed by a few gentle licks of it's neck before quietly dismounting the poor defiled creature. She then nonchalantly walked away from her new toy, clearly indicating that post coital snuggling was out of the question.  

The 50 shades of Emmy plays out about once a week. We haven't been able to identify the trigger that releases her dominatrix persona and sets off her sadomasochistic sexual activities. It appears to be random and unrelated to whatever seems to be going on our household. 

WARNING- following are some graphic photos exhibiting some of her dark sadomasochistic acts as she defiles the poor lamb. Not for children and sensitive people... 

We've learned to live with Emmy's dominatrix persona as long as she confines her sadomasochistic sexual activities to the poor sacrificial lamb. But we hide her dark side- she's our nasty family secret. Whenever we are expecting company we make sure the lamb is in the closet and Emmy can't get to it. I'm revealing our dirty little secret here in the hope that we can help other owners of S & M dogs by assuring them they aren't alone. Yes, our dog is a freak and 50 Shades of Emmy could teach Mr. Grey a thing or two, but she's our freak and we love her. 


  1. This is seriously god damn funny! I've read it 3 times now and still laughing my head off. Christ on a crutch, you're just so damn hilarious. Leave it to you to have a pervy dog. I swear you should write a book, ROH.

  2. Shut Up! This is TFF! The sacrificial lamb LOL

  3. Talk about a bitch trapped in a mans body.
    Your dog stories are so funny.
    It's about time for another one Mrs Real Old Housewife!

  4. Could you blog an episode on RHNY?

    1. There is certainly some good material to snark on in the first few episodes

  5. We were talking about old people,dancing to music today. I found the video i was talking about. The band is made up of her son's and their friend's sons, sons of her deceased husband's bandmates. Her husband was the late Jim Dickinson, session musician, producer, engineer, mostly known for playing piano on the Rolling Stones "Wild Horses," and Bob Dylan's "Time Out of Mind" album. (Many more!) He produced many top recording artists. He died in 2009.
    Watching her dance and sing to his songs played by her sons of his with complete abandon is special. This is not my type of music, but it does have history in my area.
    Don't laugh too hard at her dancing. It was pure joy for Mary Lindsey.

    1. I watched it and loved it. The girl can dance!


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