In 2002 we ran away from Illinois where we were born and raised, and started a new life in SW Florida. This blog is about me (an eccentric old artist), ROM (my Real Old Man), Isabella (our neurotic Standard Poodle) and Emmy (our crazy snake killing Jack Russell Terrier). Oh- and the neighborhood old people. Life is good in Florida!


Thursday, February 19, 2015

50 Shades of Emmy... 50 Shades of Grey Pales In Comparison

50 Shades of Grey plays out in our home on a regular basis. No, it doesn't involve ROM and me- the kinkiest we get is having sex with the lights on. We get our pain from arthritis and believe me, there's nothing sexy about it. And piddling in my panties when I laugh or cough is all the humiliation I can handle. The aging process is S & M  for us seniors. 

Don't let this sweet face fool you... 

The freak in our house is our Jack Russell Terrier, Emmy. Even as a puppy she was dominate- taking toys from Isabella who is much larger and older than her, rushing to be the first out the door, charging to the edge of the yard if another dog dared to walk by her house, lifting her leg to pee and then kicking and scratching the the dirt to mark her spot and just generally being a pain in the ass. With lots of training and positive reinforcement she eventually recognized ROM and I were in charge and she begrudgingly accepted we are the boss (and that we control the treats she so loves). 

Though she had been spayed as a young puppy, we began to notice her sexual propensity after she turned a year old. The first hint was when she'd be laying on our lap and would suddenly stand up and begin humping. We'd tell her a stern "no" and push her off our lap. She quickly realized we wouldn't put up with her kinkiness so she found other outlets.     
Isabella is always a lady and doesn't even like her butt sniffed which means she wasn't going to be a willing participant in Emmy's debauchery. Lacking a willing partner to fill her dark sexual desires, she found ways to self satisfy- often at the oddest times. She'd be casually walking across the room when she'd suddenly stop and furiously begin humping the air. After a few hard thrusts, she'd resume her walk across the room as if nothing at all had just happened. 
For awhile that seemed to satisfy her inner freak.  

The full extent of her perversions wasn't obvious until she was about 5 years old. It started innocently enough... she loves toys so we bought her a big stuffed lamb for Easter. We had no idea that this innocent toy would take her to depths of depravity that we could never have imagined. 

To our shock and horror, within hours of receiving her gift she brazenly demonstrated her darkest desires. She grabbed the poor little lamb in her teeth and viciously growled as she cruelly shook it. Then she threw it to the floor and as she bit it repeatedly all over. Suddenly her demeanor changed as she gently licked and nuzzled it. But then, like flipping a switch, she was again growling and shaking the poor lamb in her jaws with a death grip. Quickly the foreplay ended, she mounted the lamb and gave it several intense humps followed by a few gentle licks of it's neck before quietly dismounting the poor defiled creature. She then nonchalantly walked away from her new toy, clearly indicating that post coital snuggling was out of the question.  

The 50 shades of Emmy plays out about once a week. We haven't been able to identify the trigger that releases her dominatrix persona and sets off her sadomasochistic sexual activities. It appears to be random and unrelated to whatever seems to be going on our household. 

WARNING- following are some graphic photos exhibiting some of her dark sadomasochistic acts as she defiles the poor lamb. Not for children and sensitive people... 

We've learned to live with Emmy's dominatrix persona as long as she confines her sadomasochistic sexual activities to the poor sacrificial lamb. But we hide her dark side- she's our nasty family secret. Whenever we are expecting company we make sure the lamb is in the closet and Emmy can't get to it. I'm revealing our dirty little secret here in the hope that we can help other owners of S & M dogs by assuring them they aren't alone. Yes, our dog is a freak and 50 Shades of Emmy could teach Mr. Grey a thing or two, but she's our freak and we love her. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

Chin Hair, Insomnia and Mr. Magoo...

As I was watching a 20 year old rerun of Law and Order at 3 a.m Saturday morning, I realized how drastically my life had changed. There was a time I would have just been getting home from a Friday night of partying. But now here I was post menopausal with insomnia and chin hair, living in a 55 and over community where everyone went to bed at 9 p.m. I never dreamed the day would come that I'd find myself on a Friday night (well, actually early Sat. morning) diligently searching, with the aid of an Ott light, reading glasses and a magnifying mirror, for wayward whiskers sprouting out of my gawd damn chin. 

After making sure every offensive hair was plucked from my chin, I sat in the dark nibbling on cheese and crackers as I watched yet another old episode of Law and Order and waited for the Ambien to kick in. 

ROM and Emmy always go to bed early, but Isabella stays up with me, well kind of... she always sleeps soundly sprawled out on the couch until I turn the TV off, get out of my chair and tell her it's time for bed.  But this night she didn't promptly jump up and follow me to the bedroom.  I got half way down the hall when I realized she wasn't following. So I went back into the living room and told her to come to bed... no response from her. I called her again... still no response. By then I'm kind of freaking out wondering if she was dead so I flipped the light on and found that I was talking to a toy of Emmy's that she'd left on the couch. Isabella at some point had gone to bed without me.  Must have been when I was obsessively searching my chin for the dreaded whiskers. 

Sweet jezzuz, I have become fucking Mr. Magoo! 

Friday, February 13, 2015

There Are Monsters Under Our House...

We had a new heat/air conditioning unit installed last week. It only took them a few hours to remove the old unit and install the new one, but they had to cut to size the material they used to enclose the unit flush with the house. So for several days there was a open space into the crawl space. We didn't think anything about it until after they had been back to cover the opening. 

That very evening Emmy, our Jack Russell Terrier, began acting crazy. Racing around through the house from room to room frantically sniffing and barking at the floors. Something was under the house and by gawd she wanted it! ROM opened up the entrance to the crawl space, looked around with a flashlight but couldn't see any critters. Emmy wasn't convinced. 

Every evening right at sunset, Emmy would begin her frantic floor scratching and barking. Something was driving her nuts and she was driving us nuts. We thought maybe a mouse or a snake had gotten in while the air conditioning unit had been left open. Perhaps the $6000 we paid for the new unit included a free pet. 

Saturday night I became convinced that whatever was under the house was a helluva lot bigger than a mouse. I was sitting in my favorite living room chair watching TV when I suddenly heard something thumping under my chair below the floor. A chorus of Emmy barking and my screaming brought ROM running. Once again, he opened up the crawlspace, looked around with a flashlight and swore he saw nothing. Emmy and I knew better...

Then Sunday evening ROM heard something banging around under the house, so Emmy and I were vindicated. Now he was convinced we were right and there had to be something down there. Now how to get it out? Our first attempt was leaving the crawlspace open over night in hopes that it would leave on it's own. ROM was up and had the opening closed before the sun came up the next morning. We had high hopes the mysterious critter had left during the night

As Monday evening approached we anxiously waited to see how Emmy acted. Sure enough, as soon as the sun set her shrill barking and frantic scratching at the floor started again. I reminded ROM that our marriage vows didn't include living with a wild animal under our home. 

Tuesday ROM came home with one of those humane live traps and several cans of cat food. Of course I had to over think it, as I tend to do with everything, and brought up the possibility that the critter was a vegetarian. He gave me an exasperated look as he told me the critter under the house probably wasn't concerned with the evils of animal farming or a member of PETA. Anyway, he set the trap baited with a can of cat food and stuck it under the house. As the sun set, Emmy started in again, running from room to room but completely ignoring the area where the trap was set. Just before going to bed, ROM went out with a flashlight, opened the crawlspace and found that the can of cat food was empty but the cage was still set and wide open. Damn damn damn! He said he'd bait it again the next night and try again. 

The next morning after I got back with the dogs from their morning walk, Emmy became fixated on the area where the cage was under the house. She whined, clawed and sniffed most of the day. No way in hell I was looking under the house. Whatever it was, I wasn't going to be the one to drag it out. 

As soon as ROM got home, he opened the crawl space up and there in the cage was the monster who had been terrorizing me and driving Emmy crazy. The hungry critter had gone back into the cage to lick the empty can and finally tripped the lock. After ROM removed the cage from the crawlspace he called me outside to see the monster... it was a pitiful frightened butt ugly opossum. It was so terrified I didn't even take the time to get a photo of it before ROM walked it down to the end of the street and turned it loose in wooded area with a creek. He said the poor thing was so eager to get away it did a somersault down the bank, swam across the creek and hauled ass. And now Emmy is back to her relaxing evenings curled up in her chair...