In 2002 we ran away from Illinois where we were born and raised, and started a new life in SW Florida. This blog is about me (an eccentric old artist), ROM (my Real Old Man), Isabella (our neurotic Standard Poodle) and Emmy (our crazy snake killing Jack Russell Terrier). Oh- and the neighborhood old people. Life is good in Florida!

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Monday, February 3, 2020

What A Difference A Day Makes...

So, we now have a rough patch behind us and today has been a good day. The weekend nurse warned me the new meds may take a few days to kick in completely but after my second dose, I already feel an improvement. Perhaps it's psychological, but whatever the reason, I'm going to ride with it. This past weekend was a learning experience and I think we needed it. Our Midwest roots ingrained in us the attitude we should be self-reliant and not look to others to solve our problems. Midwest people are a stubborn stoic bunch, sometimes to our own detriment. People and situations change and I'm now at the point in my life I need and am willing to accept help. Mike is more than ready to help me, but I must allow him to get the assistance he needs to care for me. Watching Tidewell go into action this weekend after we called has reinforced my trust in them. Today, I spent a comfortable day at home, wearing my favorite bright turquoise soft cotton tee shirt and capris, my cold feet kept warm in slippers and socks gifted to me from Zappos, with the doors open to the lovely Florida weather we're having. Or I could have spent the day in pain, undergoing well-intentioned treatment that has at the best a very slim chance of achieving anything positive. Sorry, but I would choose a day in-home hospice care every time, hands down.  

(A note about Zappos... they happened to see some tweets between some of my Twitter friends and me about my cancer etc. Privately in dms, they contacted me to tell me they were gifting me new slippers and socks. They didn't do this for PR or attention, no one would have ever known they did it if I hadn't made it public. They did it because they have good people with big hearts working for them on social media. My friends- this is a company you want to support!)

This is to some of my artist friends who may be wondering if such a life-altering event has given me a boost of creative inspiration- (Sue, I saw your comment and got misty-eyed, thank you, my friend.)  When I found out I had advanced cancer and it wasn't going to go well, I thought about using art to express my feelings and journey on this last adventure. Surely something so intense would stir my creative juices. Oddly enough, it hasn't it. In fact, I have zero interest in doing anything artsy or even finish the WIP sculpts sitting around. Maybe I'll send them on to someone to be completed- hint, hint, Sue? 

Instead of grabbing a brick of clay, a canvas or watercolors to express myself, I've fallen back on an old tool- words. I've always been wordy, and now you just can't shut me up. Mike says he walks in the room at times and sees me asleep sitting up and talking my head off- LOL! 

So I've turned away from my unfinished artwork...
 

... and taking moments to enjoy the artwork I've completed...





Sunday, February 2, 2020

Oxygen, Pain Meds, and Yogurt- Our Super Bowl Party!

In the wee morning hours of Sunday, I realized I had caught Mike's cold. So to go along with the burning pain in my mouth and throat from the fungal thrush caused by my steroid inhaler, I now had a nasty cough and tightness in my chest. The cough is so jarring against my spine, and my pain meds just weren't doing enough. Throw in that my breathing has gotten more labored, well, you get the picture. 

I think we were both tired, frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, which led to communication breaking down.  We have found in the past that when this happens, the best thing for us is to give each other some space and time to calm down and then regroup. Mike retreated to bed and I made myself as comfortable as possible in my nest with the Netflix control in my hand. I napped off and on until the sun rose... and things looked a bit brighter in the morning light. 

Mike got up and we had our coffee as we came up with a plan. I would call Tidewell and ask for help. Simple, huh?  Sometimes the simplest and easiest solutions to a problem are the hardest to see when you are overwhelmed. 

That afternoon, one of Tidewell's amazing nurses arrived to the rescue. We discussed my pain and breathing problems and she came up with a plan. Another pain med was added to my current one and she urged me to start using the oxygen. My lungs are missing the steroid inhaler but using it is out of the question due to the fungal infection. So on to oxygen! 

Fast forward... I've added the new pain med to my current one (I can't believe how quickly they got this to me considering it was Sunday afternoon) and I have had a quiet evening sucking up oxygen. In addition to an oral solution for the thrush, I'm also eating yogurt to hopefully speed things up. Not exactly a memorable Super Bowl Party, with guests, hot wings and nachos. But I'm home with my fella and all the yogurt a girl could want! 

Saturday, February 1, 2020

Time...

12:30 PM
Saturday, February 1, 2020 (EST)
Time in Bayshore Gardens, FL

When you are given a few days to a few months to live, time takes on an entirely new importance. When I saw today's time banner, I felt a wave of anxiety crash down on top of me. I thought I had accepted my diagnosis, but what I was feeling was not acceptance. I felt panic- January was gone. How much time was left? I felt myself slipping into a cycle of anxiety-driven thoughts. Time to put the brakes on... consciously slow my breathing and tap into my personal bag of tricks. Here's what works for me...

Brew a pot of fresh coffee... something about the ritual of making coffee helps me relax and focus on the moment. While the coffee brews, I dig out all my old Jimmy Buffett CDs and stack them in the player. I know you youngins laugh at all us Boomers and our CDs, and lord knows how you must laugh at the sight of aging Parrot Heads. That's okay, someday your kids and grandkids will laugh at you.

Okay, I now have a steaming cup of coffee, Jimmy singing to me in the background, a couple cookies to nibble on, my blog open and ready for my ramblings. Have I blocked out all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings? No, that's not my intention. I know from experience I can't just make feelings go away, they will hunker down and wait to ambush me again. As Kimberly "Sweet Brown" Wilkins would say "Ain't nobody got time for that". 

So what the hell is going on with me? I thought I had accepted what was coming, or rather what wasn't coming. There have been other little clues that I'm struggling with acceptance thing more than I wanted to admit. I'll catch myself thinking I'm going to do this or do that when I feel better. I forgot I wasn't going to get better. Or I'll get an email ad from one of my favorite online shops, and quickly click the link to see if they have new colors (oh, how I love color, dontcha' know?)  or styles I must have. I have no need for new clothes. I recently bought 2 dozen pairs of panties when there was a great sale. Now I'm wondering if I'll have enough time to wear them all. Anyway, you get the point. 

Now back to looking at the fear and anxiety the time banner set off this morning. Though the rational part of my mind understands and accepts I will die soon, the emotional part of my mind is having some difficulties with it. I think it's important that I acknowledge my moments of fear and panic, not give in to them but recognize it's normal and to be expected from time to time. This dying ritual is a process that won't always move calmly forward. I believe this last walk still has surprises for me, and some may even be remarkable. I'm open to it! Now back to staying in the moment... 

With that settled in my mind, I often seek Mike out and share with him what's going on. Then ask him if he is struggling with the same thing or something new. Anything I share with him, suddenly becomes lighter, as I hope it does for him when he shares with me, too.